


Like Water Through My Fingertips

by texasbowlegs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Jealous Sam, M/M, Past Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, WIP, supernatural season 8
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-27
Updated: 2014-06-27
Packaged: 2018-02-06 10:04:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1854070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/texasbowlegs/pseuds/texasbowlegs
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Benny being here meant that Dean wasn’t his anymore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like Water Through My Fingertips

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: "Dean and Benny share a relationship in Purgatory that they continue when they get back. Dean's pretty happy but things with him and Sam, even just as brothers, are rocky. Sam starts feeling left out and jealous, and what happens next is up to you." Currently a WIP.

Human beings had a hard time being honest with themselves. Honest with themselves about everything - their feelings, the gravity of a situation, the truth of a matter- and Sam Winchester wasn’t immune to that. However, he, unlike others, had moments of total self clarity where everything, all the truths he tried to ignore would hit him. 

Moments like this one.

Sam knew he was glaring as he watched his brother and his new best buddy, among other things, say their goodbyes through the window of the passenger side of the Impala. In fact he was pretty sure he hadn’t stopped glaring since he’d woken up this morning to Dean’s empty, untouched bed next to him. The comforter had been mused only where his brother had sat on it momentarily the night before after they’d gotten the room. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to know where Dean had gone. 

Benny had gotten a room a few doors down in their motel a couple nights earlier after offering his assistance on the Winchester’s latest hunt - a vampire nest that apparently had ties to Benny’s past. Sam knew though that it wasn’t just some random good Samaritan act by the friendly neighborhood fang, but rather a cover story for the real reason Benny wanted to stay close. 

Dean. 

With the vampire nest extinguished, he and Dean would now be going their separate ways from Benny, and that should have made him happy. But it didn’t. It wasn’t that Benny was a bad guy - in fact quite the opposite. And though that fact added to the laundry list of reasons why Sam wanted to separate the vampire's head from his neck, it wasn’t the main reason. 

In these moments of total self clarity, Sam knew the main reason he wanted to get rid of Benny and it was anything but noble. 

It was because Benny was always watching Dean, always keeping him within his line of sight with a look on his face that was purely protective…. caring. It was because they moved together during fights like they’d been cut from the same cloth, so used to fighting side by side in Purgatory that they worked together like a well oiled machine. It was because Benny touched his brother with the utmost tenderness - against the small of his back, the back of his neck - and Dean let him. 

It wasn’t right. 

That was supposed to be Sam’s position.

Sam was supposed to be the one putting the easy, honest smiles on Dean’s face, making him tilt his head back with that endearing boyish laugh of his, supposed to be his partner in all meanings of the word. It was supposed to be _him_. 

He wasn’t an idiot in believing that Dean hadn’t turned to Benny for reasons that didn’t have something to do with himself. Sam knew he’d messed up when Dean was in Purgatory after he gave up looking for him but it’d been too hard, too heartbreaking, to have a hope of finding Dean after he’d gone. And that inability to go on without his brother pushing him to do so had led to this - watching Dean dip his head forward towards a vampire in an obvious hint for something more than a verbal goodbye. 

Two nights earlier, Sam had opened his own motel door to get a soda from the machine outside and stopped dead in his tracks when he realized his brother and the vampire were standing by the Impala, partially leaning against it, talking in soft, intimate voices. He caught just phrases of their conversation. 

"Can’t stay, broth’r. Y’gotta work this out with Sam."

"… want you here, man."

"I know, but it won’t fix what’s gotta get fixed… Y’need anything … you call me. Alright, broth’r?" 

Sam had moved back into the room quickly, but not fast enough to miss the way Dean got a solid grip on Benny’s shirt and pulled him in for a kiss that made Sam’s stomach churn and chest ache at the same time. He’d caught glimpses of them before, just flashes before he quickly moved away. And he knew the look of bliss on his brothers face when Benny had his mouth sealed against the dip of his neck wasn’t fake. 

After that, Sam realized no amount of alcohol could mask the hollow feeling in his heart. 

Dean had always been his. Since he was four and old enough to realize that he might not have a mom, or even a father, but he always had a Dean. And that beat out all the rest. He’d gotten used to Dean just being there, catching him if he jumped too high, soothing him if he was hurting - and this childlike claim had stuck with him. It may have changed over the years as he and Dean developed into something more than brothers, but it was always there. He was always going to be the four year old clinging to his brothers waist and begging him to stay with him for his day of pre-school. 

Benny being here meant that Dean wasn’t his anymore. 

The sound of the Impala’s drivers side door swinging open snapped Sam out of his thoughts, and suddenly he was grateful he’d zoned out enough in his own mind to miss whatever physical goodbye his brother and the vampire had shared. 

"Figured we’d take the 10 going up towards the 4. Check the map, wanna make sure that’s right so we don’t end up in the boonies." 

Dean’s voice was lost on Sam, because he’d looked over at the other man and caught the sight of a dark purple bruise - no not bruise … _teeth mark_ \- peeking out above Dean’s collar. 

_Jesus Christ._

"Dude did you hear a word I said?"

Sam blinked, trying not to imagine the litany of bruises that probably dotted down the rest of Dean’s neck … his chest ... maybe the inside of his thighs … 

"Sam??"

"What?" Sam blinked again. 

"Can. You. Check. The. Map?" Dean punctuated each word, and Sam finally got his motor skills and mind on the same track and did as he was asked.

It was a long drive to where they were ending up in Northern California, but once they were there, Dean wasted no time in finding them a room at a cheap motel and setting up shop for the night. Sam had been silent nearly the whole trip, too sick with his own realization to talk. 

He wasn’t just jealous of Benny because of what he and Dean had, or what they did, he was jealous because he just missed his brother and missed having the special spot in his life. 

He just really fucking missed him. 

Dean was quick to call first shower, and Sam let him have it, sitting on the end of the bed as he tried to get over the aching feeling in his chest. When Dean came out, dressed in a shirt and sweats, his eyes went to Sam instantly, brows furrowing. “Okay dude what’s your bag? You’ve been basically staring out the rainy windows all day.” 

Whatever restraint Sam had, it was gone the minute Dean opened his mouth. 

He was up and moving before he could comprehend what he was doing. 

His hands went for Dean’s face, gripping either side of it as he pulled him in, sealing his mouth against his brothers in a hungry, desperate kiss. Dean felt stiff and stunned between his hands - _please just kiss me back_ \- and Sam dropped his hands to his brothers waist, fingertips digging into the soft flesh. _Please, please kiss me back…_

Dean pushed him back then, breathing heavy and glaring. “Don’t.” 

"Dean …" 

"Don’t! You don’t get to fucking do that. Spring that shit on me. You don’t even want this!" 

"I do- Dean, I’m so sorry! God … for all of it-" 

"Bullshit." 

Sam dropped his eyes, feeling them sting. He wouldn’t cry, he wouldn’t cry… “I never wanted… I never wanted to make you doubt that I ever wanted you. Missed you. I missed you so much, Dean. So fucking much- I should’ve … I should’ve tried harder. I shoulda never given up - not on you-“ 

Dean was unwavering. An immovable force. But Sam could see something softer, yearning in his eyes that not even all of Dean’s internal walls could mask. “I’m not doing this with you. I’m not. You wanna be sorry? Fine. I accept that. I know you’re sorry. But this?” he motioned between him. “Isn’t happening. I-” Dean clenched his jaw a little bit and that little softness in his eyes that Sam saw gave way to something else. 

Pain. 

Sam knew Dean better than anyone, and he knew what that pain was. Dean missed him too, he could see it, he could feel it. But he was hurt - it’d been a year of built up pain in Purgatory and the belief that Sam was looking for him the whole time. That belief was crushed, and Sam couldn’t fix that. Dean had come back from a battlefield cracked in so many different ways and Sam had been meant to be the glue to fix the pieces but he hadn’t and the guilt of that was crushing … it was suffocating.

"I’m sorry," Sam whispered, voice hitching a little in his throat and getting stuck there. 

Dean didn’t do anything but look at Sam, heavy silence hanging between them and he pushed past him finally, grabbing his boots and jacket and heading out of the room without a word in his pajamas and Sam couldn’t bring himself to stop him. Dean needed space, and Sam knew that too much space between them was the problem, but let him go anyway. 

He sunk onto the bed once the door slammed shut and the Impala peeled out of the parking lot, face buried in his hands, fingers tangled in the hair that had fallen forward in front of his forehead. 

There was only one thing he could think to do. 

In his haste, Dean had forgotten his phone on the side table by the bed, and Sam reached for it, flipping it open and scrolling through his contacts list until he hovered over one name. It took everything in him to press ‘SEND’. 

It only took two rings before the thick, Cajun voice on the other line answered. 

"Dean? You okay, broth’r?"

"Benny? It’s… it’s Sam. I … Need to talk to you."


End file.
